Big things sometimes need big packages

In reflecting on comments made regarding Passion in the last few months, here is some of what I recall:

It's too big.
Scale it back..
Pare down.
It's overwhelming.

Given my state of mind these days, if there were positive comments made about the size of the project, they are buried deep within my subconcious and I do not recall them.

Here's the thing: this is a huge project. It was conceived on a huge scale, meant to reach a large amount of people, needs a fairly big cast, will require probably thousands of hours to complete. To quote Jack Lane: She Big!

I've been rereading my Julia Cameron book The Artist's Way, particularly an early chapter about regaining our integrity as artists and how uncomfortable that change can be. She even proposes that as our artist within changes, we might find clothes fitting funny, changes in musical preference occuring and a litany of other concrete, tangible changes. And that as this process happens, we see with more clarity, more fully divine our purpose and find illusions shattered. This explains, at least a bit, what has happened to me. Now I could never fully get a handle on her morning pages, I preferred to call them daily pages - they got done at some point during the day. But as I wrote yesterday, what I need as an artist began coming into focus. Passion came into focus more, and I really thought I had already done a ton of work on it.

She also speaks of abundance and our unlimited supply of it if only we will be present and attentive enough to details to see it. This is how I see Passion. There is an abundance in this work: in the volume of people to reach, in the overreaching arc of the music, in the size venue it should be performed in, in the number of costumes required, etc. I am over thinking that the size of the project is a negative.  It's a load of work, to be sure, and I've already succumbed to the drowning sensation once - I expect that to happen again - and I will pick up and continue. Moving forward. Big is great! Vast is exciting. Overwhelming doesn't have to be negative. While I envision big things, there is a finite end, a cut-off. I am, after all, not God. 

For now, my goal is to reach about 2000 people with Passion. That's totally doable. The Muny seats like 25,000 a night! Would I object to more than 2000? No way. Bring on the abundance!

waiting for the light

Disappointment. Some say you have to learn to live with it. I will tell you, it is not a fun place to live, not even for a little while. This project is important to me so I will start with the good news. I attended a small soiree last night and got to chatting with Henry Schvey, a local music director who I did Unbeatable with. Now Henry is a musical genius, educated at Julliard, but sometimes he's so far above my head, well, I think he's high. Anyhoo, we got to talking about Passion and I mentioned to him my good fortune in finding the piece of Britten music I wanted for the crucufixion scene. It's in a crazy time signature and would make people very uncomfortable because you can't really settle into it in a 4/4 or 6/8 way. (sorry for the musical terminology). He said, "with Britten you have to sing through the phrases, that's why the meter is in 5, not 4. No one will care what you sing if you pound it out to the time signature. You have to let the text be your guide." Yeeesssssssssss! Thank you so much Henry. It reminded me of when I was in grad school choreographing Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser from Cats, I could not figure out the timing of the chorus cuz it was in 9 or something like that, and the head of the dance dept, said, "choreograph to the phrases, work through the text." Great words of wisdom when I wasn't even watching for them.

OK, disappointment.

I have been disappointed in my son. He's not the student I'd like him to be. But grades aside, he is: kind, completely non-judgemental, young, and sensitive. He is not mean spirited, he's not tricky (except for soda stealing from the basement),  He is a really great kid - and I know of what I speak. The thing I hated most about receiving his report card was that I was going to be disappointed in some of those grades and that FEELING would set in. It's yucky. It's a big, fat lump of blech. And for whatever reason, sometimes it lasts for me longer than it should, working in a big way, on my motivation to do anything other than sit and stew. I am unmotivated to DO anything: to cook, to clean, to exercise, to read, to explore. It's a huge wet blanket on my creativity.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I do things. I get things done. I make it work (thanks Tim Gunn). I have, more than once, been called a 'dynamo.' I like to be doing 10 things at once. I thrive on checking things off my list when working toward a goal. As I said before, disappointment is not a good place to live. So it requires action on my part. For my son, it's making the effort to help study for a test, or check his homework, because I feel like I can actually make something out of the pile of disappointment. But this time, this artistic disappointment is consuming me and I just want to wallow in the blech. And I have to process this in order to reach the other side. Unfortunately, I think the journey is going to be much longer than the run-of-the-mill disappointment over crappy grades.

Ultimately, the journey may involve carefully cutting away what isn't helping me anymore. That's the kind of action I need to take to move forward. In my professional life, I react for a living. In my personal creative life, I need to act, not react. JUST MAKE A CHOICE. It's the actor's mantra. It may not be the best choice, but you have to at least make one to begin to move forward and on to the next thing. There is a freedom, a release, in knowing that at least I took action and did not simply react to the situation. It gives me a sense of control that is vital to the way I operate as a human. Now, I know I'm not in charge here and things happen exactly the way they are supposed to, and I admit that I am suckish at relinquishing all control. I wish I was the person who blew with the wind instead of standing firm and facing it head on - things would be so much simpler. I will also admit to being stubborn, sometimes to the point of not being able to see another point of view. Rather like when I had a hard time seeing that God's answer to Passion was "not now." I am, infrequently, a gut person. But now I have that feeling in my gut and it's requiring me to be proactive. 

As I figure and reconfigure Passion, I know the end result will be a production that was inspired by God, and fine-tuned by me (with additional help from God). When I taught at SLU, I used to tell my students to take what they needed from the class and throw the rest away, or file it away for another time. We don't need everything all the time. And to find "the wings to fly" we need to cut away what is dragging us down. God wants this because I want it. And I have to take some responsibility for making myself worthy of his belief in me.

Finally, I will have to come to terms with disappointing others (another poopy feeling) and/or possibly angering them. I HATE to be a disappointment to others. (Remember when you did something totally irresponsible in high school and knew you were going to be reamed by your parents, only to have them tell you they were so disappointed in you and your choice? Aaaarrgghhhhh! You just wanted them to yell, or ground you - do something other than thwack you with the resounding thud of being the one who gave them that feeling.) In the end, I will have to live with my choice. And by live, I mean continue to move forward, doing things.

I will do things today. I will walk at the mall. I will eat healthy. I will make the decisions that allow me to move forward.

For everything, there is a season

Passion has been postponed. There. It's out there. Am I disappointed? You betcha. Am I down for the count? No way, Jose.

To my surprise, Passion is seasonal and therefore cannot be done during Easter season. Easter is the time for celebration and bringing Passion to Easter season is like getting a Valentine in March - bad timing.

I was fortunate enough to speak with my friend Alice today, who I never see enough of, and was able to tell her all the things I see for Passion - really fill her in on the vision. My cheeks are still flushed from the excitement of telling her and she was excited also. She wants to be a part of this, even if we have to wait to do it.

And there's still LOTS of work to be done, which is why the answer was, "not now." I do not expect my excitement to wane, or my vision to get clouded over. And now I have more time to speak to people like Alice and explain my concept. I have more time to get funding, to speak to groups, to find the best possible venue.

I am not a fan of failure or quitting. I don't think I have failed, in fact, similar to taking an exam, I've been given more time to succeed. And even if I did fail in getting it produced, I have failed forward. I sure thought about quitting, but how do you quit your artistic creations? It is simply not an option to quit this idea. It's too important both as a testament to my faith and as a timeless story to be told. I will even return to some ideas I had already discarded because I now have more time to make them come to fruition.

So now it's out there.

tracking the tracks

Tracking is a concept my dear friend Ellen Isom clarified for me years ago while doing the Full Monty at Stages. Everyone in the cast has a track: it's who you are from scene to scene. It's not generally a huge deal if you only play one role but it is especially helpful a person plays multiple roles. So, when an understudy has to go on, they can fill in their "new" track and others can see how they are going to fill in the spots in the understudy's original track. Clear as mud, right?

Today I spent about an hour and a half going through the script tracking all 13 performers. Jesus has the easiest track -he never has to be anyone but Jesus, no quickie costume changes for him! However, there are some others that will have to be quick-change artists of the highest degree. (If you saw me in Unbeatable last fall, you get the idea: 15 seconds to be a different person in a different costume, with a whole different character.) And seriously, Jesus will be the only one who's sitting pretty all the time. I was actually three scenes past Pilate when I realized, "uhhh, where is Pilate? who is Pilate? crap, I need Pilate." Probably better for me to have done it in pencil. Lesson learned.

To ease some of my stress, I know mostly how this piece will be cast and that's extremely helpful. However, given the size of our ensemble, we need to fill approximately 4 roles. I'm talking to a friend this week and trying to convince another SATEist who moved back home to NY to come back (she's the reason I was like, "where in the world is Pilate?!" So that leaves two roles to be filled. Feel free to forward suggestions! And if they were of the male persuasion that would be AWESOME because we are heavily laden with chicks. But in all honest, I don't care if they are girls are boys because SATE shows are about bodies in space - not parts.

a new week

I started this blog with such enthusiasm last week, only to have things spiral away from me like water in my hands. Thursday through Saturday were extremely tough as I came to doubt my company, my God and my vision. Now, it takes a LOT for me to lose my poise  - oh, I can get angry, emotional, aggressive  - but I'm talking a full-on "the world is ending" meltdown. Most disturbing was my doubt in God, who I suddenly felt had stopped listening to me, and who clearly didn't want me to create this piece. As unbelieving as that sounds, given the nature of Passion, I most assuredly felt abandoned by the one who had inspired me in the first place. If that's not reason for a meltdown, I don't know what is! You can imagine how dark THOSE hours were! But I soon realized that He does answer prayers, it's just not always the answer we want, when we want them.

Without going into too much detail, I realized the "not now" answer was not "NO." An intervention of sorts occurred and my closest friends came to assist me. I am passionate about theatre - GOOD THEATRE. I revel in the way SATE artists create pieces that take your breath and equilibrium away. I find myself disappointed in theatre that leaves me unmoved. In truth, I have the expectation that every show I go to should be a religious experience, so those two things are completely intertwined for me. My vision of Passion is about this also. Without having a call to worship, an effort to find converts, or degrading any other faiths, I want to develop a piece about the universal themes present in the Passion: relationships between mother and son, friends, a betrayal, a corrupt government, strong arm tactics that can put a man to death when he has done nothing wrong. It is, for me, an ideal marraige of my faith and my calling. Whether or not it is your faith, I have yet to find the person who doesn't know who that man on the cross is and it's a riveting story to tell.

Passion will happen. Not exactly when I wanted it to, but when the timing is right. (Technically, it will most likely be pushed back just a bit to accomplish the vision.) I am so appreciative of the support I have received. I am blessed.

long few days

These last few days have been long and difficult. With a possible hiccup in the venue, things have been on hold. No point in continuing if we don't have a venue. I have been buoyed by dear friends who help me to see the light even as I feel the darkness coming on strong, and for them I am most grateful.

The Passion I envisioned was a concept that includes the show, the music, the audience, the donkey, the lights, the universal themes, but also the venue, the marketing, the press materials, the people in the cast, the audience participation. I understand downsizing and making sacrafices, but how much can be given up before it doesn't resemble what I wanted it to be? And while I am a proponent of "less is more," when the less becomes something I hardly recognize, that's a problem for me. 

I'm really trying to hear what it is I'm supposed to be doing or understand that his answer might be "not now." The obstacles have increased and with a limited number of people, it may not be the time, as sad as that makes me. I hope to start the week either with renewed vigor and steam or with a sense of peace and acceptance that the project will have to be postponed. Stay tuned.

unraveling

Wednesday night - might have lost venue to do scheduling conflict.
Completely overwhelmed. Hours of crying.
Thursday morning realized I might actually have an answer, although initially, not the answer I wanted.
Thursday night - saying things out loud to friends - hard, difficult things - while consuming 3 bottles of wine.
Friday morning, just humming under the headache, was a sense of peace.
Tomorrow and the next day.....
We'll see.

priests and pastors and rabbis, oh my!

Today I am meeting with a priest who was formerly at my church (he's moved to Olivette) for a catch-up and some lunch. Yesterday when I called, the first thing he said to me was, "How's the show going?"

I also heard from the Pastor of the church I'm looking to rent. He got my message and we are definitely chatting today.

Then, I contacted a friend of mine regarding some Jewish customs and if she doesn't have the info for me, she's sending me to a rabbi. Looking to solidify a couple of ritual aspects and making sure I have the Last Supper in the order it would have most likely happened.

Finally, I spoke with my friend Al Fischer - an amazing musician - about getting together and that's scheduled for next Tuesday. I have two projects to talk with Al about but Passion is first on the list!

Thanks to my sister, Caroline, for putting this blog up to her fb friends. And to two friends who called about possibley doing group sales.

With my son not officially enrolled in school yet, I have tapped him to continue helping me with emails for churches. And BTW, I destest those websites where you just fill out a request form and can't seen where it's going, or those who make you open a yahoo account. Just give me the email address. Soon though, all these emails will be put into Constant Contacts database and we can do a lot of marketing without killing a lot of trees.

Wrote on my high school's FB page yesterday and still have to figure out how to update to Fontbonne's alumni dept. Ooh and I found my Agnus Dei music - just stacked somewhere, like I knew it would be.

I am going to try to begin assembling what the ensemble will use for rehearsals, meaning the script but also the music that comes along fairly often. The projections are ready to be made in PowerPoint or however you do that, too. Trying to knock as much technical stuff out of the way - the sooner the better.

I am hoping to complete casting by the beginning of next week. I have feelers out to a couple peeps who've worked with SATE before and would be totally onboard with the way things happen at our rehearsals.

In a side note, I received my American Theatre magazine yesterday** and it was all about different styles of movement: Lecoq, Laban, Suzuki, etc. One sentence that struck me as right on, (and coincidentally, it was how I directed Sarah Kane's 4.48 Psychosis) "People discover themselves in relation to their grasp of the external world. I do not search for deep sources of creativity in psychological memories." I remember not being concerned with Audrey's emotional state as much as I wanted her body to reflect what was happening to her. And that's when people get really drawn in - when they see a picture and it burns in their memory as something wonderful, horrifying, disgusting, whatev. And the ** from before: for whatever reason, I received 3 copies of this issue so I can distribute them to ensemble members! End of side note.

Have a great day!

who's talking to who?

Slight snafu with the real estate agent yesterday. I called her to find out if she'd spoken with the Pastor at the church and she thought I already had. Misunderstanding on my part! They are not doing this for a comminssion though so she's not very motivated. But the phone number she gave me doesn't seem to be working and that concerns me. Hmmmmm.

Looking for the music I bought at Shattingers - Agnus Dei, One Ever Hangs. It's been put SOMEWHERE in the holiday clean-up. Thank goodness the hub never actually throws anything away. He just stacks.

Got out my email and fb letters yesterday. Having 2 meetings about passion. Saturday 1/8 at 10am and Wednesday 1/12 at 7:30. Can you make it?

I decided that I am going to write my high school (Bishop DuBourg) and college (Fontbonne University) alumni programs and alert them to Passion. That's right - Catholic schools for me all the way through my Bachelors degree. New ideas are coming all the time - now I just need time to implement them all. Anyone want to do group sales?

Game On

Today is the first Monday of the New Year and lots of things are going to be moving and shaking!

This week I will finalize the venue for Passion. I will make appointments with Fr. Dolan and the rabbi (consultants) to get all the information I need about the Last Supper meal and then make the artistic decision that supplies the most drama. I will CAST the show and hopefully will be adding two people who've trained with SATE before! I will contact Tim Townsend at the STL Post-Dispatch and get a story about the play.

I have already:  written Judas' monologue, reworked the Last Supper once, composed a letter to friends to help get the word out and created this blog to link to SATE's Facebook page!

The spirit is working through me to keep me motivated and moving forward with this project. Stay tuned for breaking developments!