Disappointment. Some say you have to learn to live with it. I will tell you, it is not a fun place to live, not even for a little while. This project is important to me so I will start with the good news. I attended a small soiree last night and got to chatting with Henry Schvey, a local music director who I did Unbeatable with. Now Henry is a musical genius, educated at Julliard, but sometimes he's so far above my head, well, I think he's high. Anyhoo, we got to talking about Passion and I mentioned to him my good fortune in finding the piece of Britten music I wanted for the crucufixion scene. It's in a crazy time signature and would make people very uncomfortable because you can't really settle into it in a 4/4 or 6/8 way. (sorry for the musical terminology). He said, "with Britten you have to sing through the phrases, that's why the meter is in 5, not 4. No one will care what you sing if you pound it out to the time signature. You have to let the text be your guide." Yeeesssssssssss! Thank you so much Henry. It reminded me of when I was in grad school choreographing Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser from Cats, I could not figure out the timing of the chorus cuz it was in 9 or something like that, and the head of the dance dept, said, "choreograph to the phrases, work through the text." Great words of wisdom when I wasn't even watching for them.
OK, disappointment.
I have been disappointed in my son. He's not the student I'd like him to be. But grades aside, he is: kind, completely non-judgemental, young, and sensitive. He is not mean spirited, he's not tricky (except for soda stealing from the basement), He is a really great kid - and I know of what I speak. The thing I hated most about receiving his report card was that I was going to be disappointed in some of those grades and that FEELING would set in. It's yucky. It's a big, fat lump of blech. And for whatever reason, sometimes it lasts for me longer than it should, working in a big way, on my motivation to do anything other than sit and stew. I am unmotivated to DO anything: to cook, to clean, to exercise, to read, to explore. It's a huge wet blanket on my creativity.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I do things. I get things done. I make it work (thanks Tim Gunn). I have, more than once, been called a 'dynamo.' I like to be doing 10 things at once. I thrive on checking things off my list when working toward a goal. As I said before, disappointment is not a good place to live. So it requires action on my part. For my son, it's making the effort to help study for a test, or check his homework, because I feel like I can actually make something out of the pile of disappointment. But this time, this artistic disappointment is consuming me and I just want to wallow in the blech. And I have to process this in order to reach the other side. Unfortunately, I think the journey is going to be much longer than the run-of-the-mill disappointment over crappy grades.
Ultimately, the journey may involve carefully cutting away what isn't helping me anymore. That's the kind of action I need to take to move forward. In my professional life, I react for a living. In my personal creative life, I need to act, not react. JUST MAKE A CHOICE. It's the actor's mantra. It may not be the best choice, but you have to at least make one to begin to move forward and on to the next thing. There is a freedom, a release, in knowing that at least I took action and did not simply react to the situation. It gives me a sense of control that is vital to the way I operate as a human. Now, I know I'm not in charge here and things happen exactly the way they are supposed to, and I admit that I am suckish at relinquishing all control. I wish I was the person who blew with the wind instead of standing firm and facing it head on - things would be so much simpler. I will also admit to being stubborn, sometimes to the point of not being able to see another point of view. Rather like when I had a hard time seeing that God's answer to Passion was "not now." I am, infrequently, a gut person. But now I have that feeling in my gut and it's requiring me to be proactive.
As I figure and reconfigure Passion, I know the end result will be a production that was inspired by God, and fine-tuned by me (with additional help from God). When I taught at SLU, I used to tell my students to take what they needed from the class and throw the rest away, or file it away for another time. We don't need everything all the time. And to find "the wings to fly" we need to cut away what is dragging us down. God wants this because I want it. And I have to take some responsibility for making myself worthy of his belief in me.
Finally, I will have to come to terms with disappointing others (another poopy feeling) and/or possibly angering them. I HATE to be a disappointment to others. (Remember when you did something totally irresponsible in high school and knew you were going to be reamed by your parents, only to have them tell you they were so disappointed in you and your choice? Aaaarrgghhhhh! You just wanted them to yell, or ground you - do something other than thwack you with the resounding thud of being the one who gave them that feeling.) In the end, I will have to live with my choice. And by live, I mean continue to move forward, doing things.
I will do things today. I will walk at the mall. I will eat healthy. I will make the decisions that allow me to move forward.
OK, disappointment.
I have been disappointed in my son. He's not the student I'd like him to be. But grades aside, he is: kind, completely non-judgemental, young, and sensitive. He is not mean spirited, he's not tricky (except for soda stealing from the basement), He is a really great kid - and I know of what I speak. The thing I hated most about receiving his report card was that I was going to be disappointed in some of those grades and that FEELING would set in. It's yucky. It's a big, fat lump of blech. And for whatever reason, sometimes it lasts for me longer than it should, working in a big way, on my motivation to do anything other than sit and stew. I am unmotivated to DO anything: to cook, to clean, to exercise, to read, to explore. It's a huge wet blanket on my creativity.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I do things. I get things done. I make it work (thanks Tim Gunn). I have, more than once, been called a 'dynamo.' I like to be doing 10 things at once. I thrive on checking things off my list when working toward a goal. As I said before, disappointment is not a good place to live. So it requires action on my part. For my son, it's making the effort to help study for a test, or check his homework, because I feel like I can actually make something out of the pile of disappointment. But this time, this artistic disappointment is consuming me and I just want to wallow in the blech. And I have to process this in order to reach the other side. Unfortunately, I think the journey is going to be much longer than the run-of-the-mill disappointment over crappy grades.
Ultimately, the journey may involve carefully cutting away what isn't helping me anymore. That's the kind of action I need to take to move forward. In my professional life, I react for a living. In my personal creative life, I need to act, not react. JUST MAKE A CHOICE. It's the actor's mantra. It may not be the best choice, but you have to at least make one to begin to move forward and on to the next thing. There is a freedom, a release, in knowing that at least I took action and did not simply react to the situation. It gives me a sense of control that is vital to the way I operate as a human. Now, I know I'm not in charge here and things happen exactly the way they are supposed to, and I admit that I am suckish at relinquishing all control. I wish I was the person who blew with the wind instead of standing firm and facing it head on - things would be so much simpler. I will also admit to being stubborn, sometimes to the point of not being able to see another point of view. Rather like when I had a hard time seeing that God's answer to Passion was "not now." I am, infrequently, a gut person. But now I have that feeling in my gut and it's requiring me to be proactive.
As I figure and reconfigure Passion, I know the end result will be a production that was inspired by God, and fine-tuned by me (with additional help from God). When I taught at SLU, I used to tell my students to take what they needed from the class and throw the rest away, or file it away for another time. We don't need everything all the time. And to find "the wings to fly" we need to cut away what is dragging us down. God wants this because I want it. And I have to take some responsibility for making myself worthy of his belief in me.
Finally, I will have to come to terms with disappointing others (another poopy feeling) and/or possibly angering them. I HATE to be a disappointment to others. (Remember when you did something totally irresponsible in high school and knew you were going to be reamed by your parents, only to have them tell you they were so disappointed in you and your choice? Aaaarrgghhhhh! You just wanted them to yell, or ground you - do something other than thwack you with the resounding thud of being the one who gave them that feeling.) In the end, I will have to live with my choice. And by live, I mean continue to move forward, doing things.
I will do things today. I will walk at the mall. I will eat healthy. I will make the decisions that allow me to move forward.
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